Did I Marry The Wrong Person?

Do you ever look over at your spouse and think, “are we soulmates? You don’t feel like it anymore…” Where did the spark go? It’s as if the person you dated is completely different than the person you married. But maybe they feel the same way about you too…

Time has a way of changing us and how we react to things. Long term relationships seem to build resentment so easily as time goes on. 

We Are No Longer Dating, Toto

Once we were married, I remember feeling like my husband changed. Life was routine and mundane. Gone was the adventure. And March Madness became Monthly Madness. The “dating” phase was officially over.

Feeling like this made me restless. I struggled with doubts that he was the right person for me. It wasn’t thrilling and exciting anymore. So, I started comparing my now to then.

Quickly, I learned it was easy to second guess my choice after we had a fight or if I had watched a sappy movie. So, I was warping my own idea of soulmates. I was comparing my marriage to something unrealistic.

Unhappy Marriage

For me, it felt like it was easier to pick a fight with him during this period because I desired some passion. I missed the affirmations that are so easy to give and receive at the beginning of a relationship. You know, when they’re Prince Charming and you’re a Princess.

Instead of receiving the positive attention I desired, we had heated arguments that were fueled by hurtful words. And those hurtful words seem to replay over and over in my mind forever.

I might have been married, but boy was I lonely. Read 7 Life Changing Bible Verses for Loneliness that helped me.

So, then comes the big question… Should we just get divorced, so I never have to feel this hurt by him again?

My Spouse Changed

I think the hardest thing of feeling deeply hurt by someone that you’re married to is that you can’t get away. They live with you, they eat with you and they sleep next to you. Not only that, he’s mad right back at you.

Eventually, I realized, he’s hurt too. I have changed too. It wasn’t just him who became mundane; it was me, too.

I know I am not the same “soulmate” my husband married a few years ago. Now, I have different goals and responsibilities. I view life much differently because of those things. The same goes for him. Seems like every year he has increased pressures with his job.

Not only that, I don’t greet him at the door with a warm smile like I used to. I used to think he was Prince Charming, remember? He feels that attitude change and he interprets it as rejection and anger.

If you add kiddos to the mix, you now have even less time for each other!

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Being Soulmates is hard work

They say marriage is 50/50. If you are married, you know that it is 100/100.

And the hardest thing about marriage is giving 100% to a person you feel is undeserving at the moment. To compliment and praise them when you feel underappreciated for doing your 103^rd load of laundry for the week seems comparable to climbing Mount Everest.

Am I right ladies?

However, God calls us to be more like Him and He loves us even when we have sinned for the millionth time and broken His heart with our choices. He calls us to treat our spouse as special as we did when we were dating even when we don’t feel like soulmates.

You know… when it was easier.

5 Ways To Get Back On Track As Soulmates

1. Communicate

If you’re thinking, yeah but my husband hates communicating. Girl, I GET YOU! My husband is like talk? Do we have to?

Hear me out: Men and women don’t process emotions the same way. I soon realized after discussing how I was feeling with my husband.

He was under the assumption that if he came home and I was in a bad mood, it meant I was mad at him. He didn’t realize I could be tired (insert any other circumstance here) which made me crabby but not mad at him.

So, be specific and black and white with your feelings. Not hurtful.

2. Feeling Rejected = Unmotivated

When my husband or I would feel rejected by the other person (by harsh words during a fight or an unwelcoming face when we get home), we would be unmotivated to work at the relationship.

In those moments, it is really hard for me to remember that marriage isn’t about making me happy. Marriage is a decision to serve your spouse with your best, every day of your lives.

As each has received a gift, employ it in serving one another, as good managers of the grace of God in its various forms. 1 Peter 4:10 WEB

3. You Can Only Change You

Focus on what you can change. I can try harder to be pleasant, complimentary, and encouraging.

I can’t change him, but how I treat him and greet him will change how pleasant he is to me.

4. Ask God to Guide You Back to Soulmates

Asking God and your husband for forgiveness is huge! Not long into our marriage, I realized that fighting is normal. But it doesn’t have to be brutal. We can disagree but we also need to apologize for any unfair fighting and forgive. Keeping a tally of his wrongs hasn’t gotten me very far.

5. Counseling

If you and your spouse still feel like it is time to call it quits, counseling can be an awesome tool in your toolbelt. When emotions are high, it is nice to have someone else teach you and your spouse how to communicate and learn things to avoid more flare-ups. (If he hates the idea, pray about it)

Our Marital Purpose

I understand now that God put us together for a special purpose. God can see it all. We can only see what’s in front of us like we have tunnel vision. But He can see how all the pieces go together and how the puzzle looks at the end.

Satan tries to sneak in and make us compare our marriage, something God beautifully designed, and think it is less than what we deserve.

I try to think of what God made my marriage for. Did He put us together to improve each other? Diamonds sharpening diamonds. Were we put together to raise children to grow up to be leaders for God’s Kingdom? Our marital purpose can be a lot bigger than we can imagine right now.

Since I know I have changed in just 5.5 years of marriage, I think of how much more will I change in 30 years of marriage. We are both changing in every season of our lives together… marriage, children, empty nest, retirement…

God Can Do Anything

God can do anything, which includes helping us feel like soulmates again as we learn to seek Him, always. So, I can trust Him to help us weather each season. Together.

I can choose to find joy in the “now”. I can choose to pray boldly for God to reveal the joy in the tough times. If you feel like the season you’re weathering right now will never end, I would dare you to ask God to show you the beauty in the struggle. So, what is He revealing to you during this hard time in your marriage or your lives?

Hardships might be valleys in our life but we can look back and see growth. I have learned lessons from my valleys which have impacted my heart and who I have become.

When we sin, we design our own hurdles. God uses those hurdles to help us become more holy. I thank God for that. If He didn’t love us so much, He wouldn’t care if we changed.

Once I started really reading God’s Word, I realized my Prince Charming was God. So, God was the guy I was waiting on. My husband is never going to check all of my boxes and be perfect.

My husband is great, but he isn’t God.

You can read more about how I fell in love with God here.

Soulmates Prayer

Dear Lord, thank you for my marriage. Please help me fight for my marriage every day, even when it is the last thing I feel like doing. Let my marriage be a reflection of You and encouraging to other couples. Please be gentle with me as You reveal your truths to me. We are blessed to know You and to have one another. Amen. 

If you are struggling from a loss in your marriage or relationship? Find 14 verses for dealing with loss here.

Let me know how I can be praying for your marriage! Don’t forget to subscribe for more encouragement! 

**Disclaimer** Author has a master’s degree in counseling, but is not your counselor, nor a practicing counselor. If you find yourself in an abusive relationship, please seek professional assistance as this article may not pertain to you. 

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