Coping with a Miscarriage: The Lonely Road
Recently at our house, we had really shocking and exciting news. We were surprised to find out we were expecting our third child. A couple of days later, we found out we were losing that child already. The whole week was filled with so many emotions. I didn’t know up from down. However, I wanted to share with you our story as we are coping with a miscarriage, along with a free printable: My Baby Journal. So, that if you are also devastated by your loss, you can journal your thoughts and document every detail you want to remember.
I am the kind of person who has to talk about things, talk about things and talk about things to cope. Writing is also another way I grieve.
Maybe some of you are thinking, “I have been grieving for years and haven’t shared.” I encourage you to share, as many other mommas can relate and their words of encouragement and sympathy are helpful. Did you know that researchers estimate that between 1 in 10 to 1 in 4 pregnancies end in miscarriage? That’s A LOT, unfortunately.
I have a master’s in counseling and personally know that I need to vent something to about a thousand people before I can even process what is going on…
That being said, coping with a miscarriage feels different.
It feels like one of those subjects you’re not supposed to tell anyone. Coping with a miscarriage feels deeply personal and embarrassing. (And any other horrible emotion here.)
The Emotional Rollercoaster of Coping with a Miscarriage
**Please note that the following emotions are my personal experience with coping with a miscarriage. I want to spare anyone who is currently grieving a miscarriage from reading this if they do not want to relive the raw emotions.**
Maybe I wasn’t even pregnant, I told myself.
As mentioned, our pregnancy was a complete surprise. I told myself for almost a week, I was wrong before testing. When I received two positive pregnancy tests, I went back and checked them three times because I was so shocked.
Then a few days later, I started bleeding. So, mentally it was easier to tell myself the whole week didn’t exist and I was just getting “my period”…
That leads me to guilt. I felt guilty for telling myself that the whole week didn’t exist because that was a week of my baby’s life that did matter.
I felt guilty about what I ate those first few weeks that could have trigged this miscarriage. Guilt for being scared about having a third child we weren’t expecting.
Maybe God was punishing me for a past sexual sin…
Coping with a miscarriage: Sadness
For me, coping with a miscarriage or any loss of a loved one, is the saddest, invisible pain there is.
After I saw the doctor and learned that I was probably going to continue bleeding and that would be that, she told me to pick up a pregnancy test to test my levels later.
So, I went to the store… As I am picking up another pregnancy test, I thought to myself, “no one even sees this horrible sadness.” How can such a deep sadness be so invisible?!
Is it the change in hormones or grief, I’m not sure which. However, I have thought about throwing my phone through the window… So there’s that.
Then, there are the times I blow up on my kids, so add that to the guilt section too.
Coping with a Miscarriage: Fear
So, now that this has happened, will it happen again?
Every day since, I have gone through moments where I am just fine to sobbing.
My husband will talk about the future and I will lose it. You visualize your life with this person and make plans with them in it and then it’s ripped away.
You make room for them in your body, your heart and your home and then they’re gone.
Talking about the future becomes glass half empty instead of glass half full. Talking about the future no longer includes welcoming your little baby. Just like that.
Coping with a miscarriage is more than the emotions, there’s the miserable physical pain as well.
You don’t get to share a pregnancy announcement… On your due date, you don’t get to see your baby’s face. A year from then, you don’t get to celebrate their birthday.
Instead, you have to relive the loss all over again.
Would he or she have been funny? Would baby have played more with my son or my daughter? What would our relationship have been like? Would they be a mommy or daddy’s kid?
So many questions… Why did this happen? Am I supposed to try for another child later?
You go from really excited to really sad so quickly, the whole process is very confusing.
As I said, this is recent. So this post is written with fresh wounds…
I know God; I trust God. He has taught me He brings beauty from horrible pain.
A year ago, if someone shared about coping with a miscarriage, I had no idea where they were coming from. I thought I could empathize, but I know now I had not. a. single. clue.
Now, I can empathize. I can bawl right along beside a sister in pain. And I’m sure I will for years and years to come.
My hope is in sharing Jesus’ love with someone grieving.
Lastly, is joy. That sweet child has already met Jesus! My sweet child is waiting for me in heaven.
But Jesus said, “Let the little children come to me and do not hinder them, for to such belongs the kingdom of heaven.” Matthew 19:14
5 Ways to Coping with a Miscarriage
How does one move on? Does it make me a bad person for wanting to move on?
What I’ve learned: No, it doesn’t. Your baby will ALWAYS matter and be a special part of your family’s story.
The coping skills I have been utilizing:
Reading the Bible
I don’t understand God’s plan right now, but I know it is for the best. Reading the Bible is the best way for me to see God’s love for me and plans for making purpose from this pain.
talking with friends
For some, this may be out of the comfort zone completely… However, don’t forget how many other mommas have walked this lonely road too.
Coping with a Miscarriage: Prayer
Lots of prayer… Me praying, asking friends to pray. No matter how I am feeling, I know the power of prayer!
Moreover, I know that prayer and time in God’s Word are my biggest defenses against spiritual warfare. Satan wants us to blame God.
Through all this Job did not sin nor did he blame God. Job 1:21-22
Coping with a miscarriage: A name for baby
My baby does matter. Probably every mother has an intuition as to what her baby was: boy or girl. I do, so I have named him. He is a part of our family.
My baby Journal
I have been journaling to cope, so I designed a My Baby Journal to share. The My Baby Journal is free and includes 5 pages:
- A place to document memories of your pregnancy and baby
- A place to name baby
- Praise God for baby
- A place to share your dreams, anger, and confusion
- Verses for coping with a miscarriage
- and More…
Already a subscriber? Click here to download your printable now!
Click here to find additional ways to cope with your loss.
Coping with a Miscarriage
Thus, I am grieving and I am sure some of the pain will always be there. God will be my strength and my comfort. I pray these raw emotions were encouraging to you if you have suffered a loss. Sharing is difficult and leaves me vulnerable; however, I want you to know that you’re normal. All your emotions are justified.
Lastly, you are not alone. Please let me know how I can be praying for you. Also, check out my 7 printable prayer prompts for praying God’s promises during times of loss and grief. We can pray them together!
Thank you for pouring your soul out here! I am very sorry about your loss and I pray for God’s comfort and peace! Thank you for the courage to open and be vulnerable and transparent. It is so important to acknowledge our emotions and to give us time and space to heal! This is a great emotional map for everybody who is dealing with loss! It is great that you also speak about hope and joy and how important is to stay close to God. Blessings!
Thank you very much, Hadassah <3
Beautifully written. You covered how going through this feels and your suggestions on ways to cope are wonderful. I’m so glad you mentioned naming the child lost. I did that when I miscarried and it has given me so much comfort over the years. I love the My Baby Journal. Thank you for sharing this. I know it will bless so many women who are going through a miscarriage.
Thank you so much for your kind words, Jelane.
Thank you for sharing your story about miscarriage and loss, as well as how you’re coping and finding hope in Jesus. I have not experienced a miscarriage before, but I have come so very close to losing my oldest son, due to health complications. I’ve put my hope in Jesus and braced myself for loss many times. It’s a hard road to walk, but we can do anything through the strength of our amazing God.
Thank you so much for your kind words, Erin. What a blessing your son is!
I had four miscarriages and the losses didn’t get easier. It’s a lonely and painful road. But, God is the Redeemer and Healer. He turns ashes into beauty.
I’m so sorry, Beth. Thanking God He does!!
Thank you so much for this. I am currently going through my first miscarriage and this pretty much echos my journey so far. Barley a week of knowing before the miscarriage started.
I’m so sorry Kendra… You will be in my prayers. – Jenna
Thank you so much for this resource. I just had my first miscarriage and this was my first pregnancy. I found out we were pregnant and a week later I miscarried. It’s been a month and I have been dealing with panic attacks and I truly feel it is because I didn’t mourn and take the time I truly needed, especially with the Christmas holiday and New Year. The journal for my baby has truly helped me get everything out and begin to heal. I spent hours on it and it was exactly what I needed. Thank you so much for this resource and for sharing your story. God is just beginning our story and I find peace in knowing I will get to spend eternity one day with our little angel.
Oh Alyssa, I am so sorry for you loss… Yes, God is taking sweet care of him/her <3 I am so happy to hear that you have found the Baby Journal helpful!! Praise God. Thank you very much for sharing that with me.